Clairvoyance And Protection From Narcoterrorists - All From Magic Coffee!

Let's say that you've somehow managed to piss off a bunch of narcoterrorists. This is usually not good. Here's why: First, at the risk of engaging in stereotyping, I think that is reasonable to posit that as a group, narcoterrorists are not widely known for their robust sense of humor. So it's a pretty good bet that they're not just going to laugh off whatever you did. Second, they have a disturbing fondness for AK-47 semi-automatic rifles. There is even a Mexican song written about the weapon.  At the risk of stating the obvious, your life (what little you have left) isn't gonna be all that enjoyable if you have a bunch of pissed off narcoterrorists chasing you around with their favorite semiautomatic assault weapons.

So what can you do? Bodyguards? Probably not. An Indeed.com search for "Bodyguards who want to protect someone from pissed off narcoterrorists with AK-47 assault rifles" didn't turn up any qualified candidates. Another option would be to file a police report.  While this might help a reporter write your obituary, it probably wouldn't delay it. Bullet-proof vest? This at least makes some sense, since narcoterrorists are rather fond of bullets. But the vests only cover part of you (1) what to do?

Maybe this will work:

Narco-terrorist double protection! For a mere $18.95 $14.95. (2)

Well, this sure seems too good to be true. Not only will this coffee protect you from AK-47 bullets, but you will know about the attack well in advance - perhaps before it is even conceived. Because you'll be a mentalist too! 

Naturally, I was curious about this latest in the ceaseless parade of BS products, and it didn't take long to find out where these were coming from. Both Bulletproof and Longevity Coffee are the "brain" children of the rock star (3) of overblown products - David "Avocado" Wolfe. Dude needs a haircut. Perhaps more so, a shampoo.

David "Avocado" Wolfe - certified rock star

Here are the two coffees that are supposed to make you live longer, immune to bullets, and give you extra-sensory perception. How well do they work??

1. BULLETPROOF COFFEE (BPC)

According to the website, BPC:

• Gives you a sharper brain

So does Ritalin

• [Helps] you feel full until lunch time [sic]. No scrambling in the morning to cook breakfast.

Isn't that what Pop Tarts are for?

• A happier outlook

Maybe you're happy because you have enough money to piss away 15 bucks on a stupid bag of coffee.

• Better physical performance and less fat

This is starting to sound like the execrable _Dr. Oz Show and his "magic fat burners." 

2. LONGEVITY COFFEE

Factoids from their website:

• "The greatest geniuses throughout history were avid coffee drinkers."

The greatest geniuses throughout history also farted. Farting makes geniuses.

• "Steve Jobs drank coffee."

Yeah, Steve was so smart that he dicked around with alternative medicine for six months when he just happened to have a rare type of pancreatic cancer that could have been cured with surgery at that time. 

• "So did John Lennon"

But he picked the wrong brand. He obviously needed Bulletproof. (Ouch!)

• "Longevity is a product line of artisanally sourced superfoods and supplements "

I will cheerfully drink my own blood before I try anything artisanal. I don't know what the word means, but I hate it anyway.

•  "Legendary Musician Ludwig van Beethoven was so serious about his coffee that he only drank coffee that he himself made. He always counted 60 beans per cup...never a bean more, never a bean less." 

All these centuries people have wondered what made Beethoven such a genius. Who knew that counting to 60 would do it?? And it's a damn good thing that didn't stop at 59. Otherwise, maybe we would have had only 8 symphonies instead of 9. (P.S. Beethoven was not a legendary musician. He was a legendary composer).

Finally, how could I not share the following with you?

or this...

So, is the company's coffee any better than the other two products that have been yanked off the shelves in the past seven months? I sure hope so. It's a pretty good bet that narcoterrorists who have food poisoning or an allergic reaction to milk protein are going to have even less of a sense of humor than their healthy colleagues. 

Gotta run. Binge-watching Narcos. As addicting as cocaine.

NOTES:

(1) It is no coincidence that I am binge watching Narcos at this time. Pretty damn good show. Unless you don't like violence. Then, not so much. When bullet-proof vests didn't work the DEA came up with bullet-proof pants. They looked uncomfortable.

(2) Twelve ounces of Dunkin' Donuts coffee costs $6.98, although it won't stop bullets or give you the ability to predict the future.

(3) Wolfe describes himself as "the rock star and Indiana Jones of the superfoods and longevity universe." Superego too?