Scoring Some Ambien at the Online Pharmacy From Hell!

It's hardly a secret that we are living in an Orwellian nightmare where an army of malevolent busybodies are climbing all over each other in a perverse contest to see who can come up with the most grandiose ideas – the dumber the better – to keep any drug that has any abuse potential out of our hands (with the exception of alcohol, of course. Rampant alcoholism isn't an issue for some reason or other). This is hardly new. (See Runs On Imodium Before The FDA Clamps Down from 2018.)

An especially lovely component of our government's attempt to keep us from swallowing whatever we want is the obscene invasion of privacy called the prescription drug monitoring program (PDMP). You know – the all-encompassing database that gets you the Death Stare from the pharmacist should you dare fill a prescription for four tramadol because you might have also picked up a bottle of three Vicodin a century ago.

It's not just opioids that the troglodytes (1) at PharmedOut or Physicians for Responsible Opioid Prescribing aka "The Evil Umpire," have also expressed "concern" about. It's also our use of sedatives and sleeping pills – other drugs they know little or nothing about. All the while stopping just short of mandating rectal infusions of Neurontin for those of us in pain. (FYI Neurontin is thoroughly worthless for most types of pain. See The Devil You Know - Neurontin's Massive Flop As An Opioid Alternative.) 

Confession time

I admit it. I use Ambien and have done so for 20+ years. (No - I haven't gotten up in the middle of the night, stolen a Benz, driven to Vegas, and barbecued veal chops on Wayne Newton's Weber.) Occasionally, I too get the Death Stare from the imbeciles pharmacists at my CVS along with some sagacious advice ("these can make you sleepy" or "don't operate a bulldozer") when I pick up my yummy pills.

Since it's only a matter of time before we'll need to be fingerprinted by a DEA agent while waiting at the pharmacy counter for a bottle of the stuff, I figured (just for yuks) that I'd see if there is any way to buy it online. Like from a "reputable" source." So I was mildly intrigued to stumble across a plausibly legitimate-sounding site called The Amazing Drug Shop! 

And I was right! The place is amazing, although not necessarily in a positive sense. But since they had an ad for Ambien without a prescription on Google, I had to see if it was legit. Checking their site I did encounter a few minor problems:

1. They don't sell Ambien, which puts you at a decided disadvantage, especially if your goal is to purchase Ambien. 

2. Why don't they sell it? Is it because it's too dangerous or addictive? Hardly. It won't take long to disabuse yourself of that theory...

Percocet online without a prescription? This just doesn't sound Kosher. But the warnings give it at least a shred of legitimacy:

"Because of the dangers of overdose, dependence, and misuse, even at recommended doses, Percocet Pills Online is used only when therapy with non-opioid pain-relieving medications has not been accepted or has not provided adequate pain relief."

Which doesn't last long... [emphasis mine]

"Buy Percocet online has a blend of acetaminophen with oxycodone. Oxycodone is a remedy for severe stress. An antibiotic is often named opioids. Paracetamol is a less powerful pain killer and enhances the impact of hydrocodone."

The things you learn! Oxycodone is for severe stress, has something or other to do with antibiotics, and magically transforms itself into a different drug (hydrocodone), perhaps at some time during the shipping process. Then, there's the matter of language. Whatever fine qualities the "medical" writer on this site may have, a mastery of English isn't one of them:

You might have doubts about whether you have to pick the bestplugshop. Okay, below are the things you and we always think regarding.

A friendly suggestion...

Then it gets worse, but at least we're still at least somewhere within the realm of therapeutic medicine.

Ketamine, which is a Schedule III drug, does have a legitimate medical use although the DEA, of course, focuses only on its abuse potential. But the photos of the anonymous white powder and a bunch of unidentifiable vials that look like they've been sloshing around in the trunk of a 1972 Ford Pinto are not reassuring.

Regarding the "magic mushrooms," it's a bit of a stretch to call these "medicine," even though the active drug, psilocybin, may be useful in treating assorted psychiatric disorders. The DEA, predictably, gives it Schedule I status – "a high potential for abuse, no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States, and a lack of accepted safety for use under medical supervision." But, since psilocybin is the subject of considerable research for its potential to treat mental illnesses perhaps we need to give The Amazing Pharmacy! the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are a legit enterprise.

No, we don't

It doesn't take long to figure out that The Amazing Drug Shop is really an "amazing dope dealer." I offer the following as evidence:

Which makes me think of a letter I might write when ordering merchandise from this place:

Dear Amazing Drug Shop: 

I'd like to put in an order for some dental floss, hypoallergenic skin moisturizer, and Dulcolax (do you have a really big package? I need it). Also, as an afterthought, could you please throw in some crack cocaine and crystal meth? 

And it gets worse

Hmm. The ADS! is dealing heroin. That doesn't sound so wonderful. But at least they explain why their heroin is safe AND good for you! And quite a bargain.

Effective opioids including fentanyl and carfentanyl had been found out cut into heroin accessed at the streets, and may be deadly to the unsuspecting person...[T]herefore, they are often expose to risk of death. Our shop offers white heroin for sale at amazing rates. Place an order and have the positive change you so desire in your life. Thanks for your loyalty to our store

Image: Wikimedia Commons

In case white heroin is not your cup of dope, the ADS! offers you a splendid alternative! Once again, straight out of Strunk and White...

Heroin has many sorts of looks and smells. Brown powder has range of colours , from a light-weight tarnish brown to a darker reminder brown counting on what’s cut with. It’s a robust vinegar smell, an equivalent with black tar heroin, but the smell differ counting on its chemical components and purity. The usually refer brown heroin to Mexican brown on the road ... Brown heroin is really cheaper than white powder** heroin and is more exciting than cruder sorts of heroin, like black tar.

Ah, there's nothing quite like the robust aroma of Mexican Brown to start your day. 

(**Check out the two prices and please explain this to me.)

Sorry folks, if you're also concerned about where your Ambien is gonna come from once your doctor gets tossed into the big house for writing a script for 31 pills (2), you and I are SOL. What to do? Couldn't hurt to laugh at it. Just for yuks, the next time you refill your Ambien – assuming there is a next time – try drunkenly stumbling up to the counter at CVS with a breathalyzer hanging out of your nose and swiggin' from a half-empty bottle of Jack and see if you too get the Death Stare! 

NOTES:

(1) Cool word, right? I looked it up.

(2) The DEA, not content to play doctor, is now dabbling in history, insisting that no month of the Gregorian calendar has more than a 30-day supply of days.