The J-Man Chronicles: Science Says Men Like Breasts. Who Knew?

Guys, have you ever sat on the beach, relaxing and enjoying the sights, only to be hit over the head with a redwood-sized piece of driftwood by a girlfriend or wife? Of course, you have. The problem is "enjoying the sights," and it's biology to blame, not you.

Permitted sights

We are held to physiologically impossible standards when it comes to gawking at modern bikini tops (definition: two postage stamps held together by dental floss). We. Can't. Help. It. 

This predilection is hardwired into our ape-like brains, so it is patently unfair to be punished for spending an extra nanosecond on the wrong target before we, in utter terror, divert our gaze to literally...anything else. A festering bluefish head? Fine. Some fat guy peeing in a beer can? No problem. An unidentified scalp that washed up? Bring it on. Boobs? Nope. Certain things are simply off-limits, as demonstrated by Figure 1 below.

Figure 1. Permissible and non-permissible gazing areas. 

Science backs us up!

The title of a new paper in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior is rather intriguing:

Nudity Norms and Breast Arousal: A Cross-Generational Study in Papua

So is the content. Let's look at some of it.

Female breasts elicit sexual arousal in men, but there is much speculation about the underlying cause of this phenomenon.

M. Stefanczyk, et. al, Archives of Sexual Behavior, March 2025. DOI: 10.1007/s10508-025-03122-5

Much speculation? I always thought this had been settled long ago, as represented by the equation:

Men = Pigs

Apparently not. There are two schools of thought:

1. "Breast size and shape are cues of a woman’s age, sexual maturity, fecundity, fertility, and/or nutritional status..."

And…

2. "Social norms biding women to cover their upper bodies lead men to desire what is hidden."

To settle this age-old disagreement, the scientists went to Papua, Indonesia, and sought out 80 Dani men. (The Dani are one of several highland Papuan tribes with a unique culture and minimal exposure to the outside world.) The group was divided into older (median age 50) and younger men (median age 24). 

Why?

When the older men were raised, toplessness was routine, but by the time the younger group was raised, no such luck. The authors (who did not report getting hit over the head by wooden objects) asked the two groups sexual questions that could reasonably be assumed to be used should Real Housewives of the Papuan Highlands become a(nother) horrifying possibility. 

The results should surprise no one

• Both groups experienced the same degree of arousal when they looked at naked breasts.
• The men in both groups touched their partner's breasts the same number of times during "times of intimacy." (I don't know about you, but in my world there are no rules of etiquette for how one should ask this question.)
• Both groups attached the same degree of importance to breasts when assessing female attractiveness – an opinion that no Western man in his right mind would ever admit. 

Conclusion 

The authors concluded that "attraction to breasts may be driven by deep-seated desires..."

Duh.

And 

"[These desires are] not overridden by cultural practices regarding exposure or covering up [providing evidence that] "men’s sexualization of female breasts might have cross-cultural, evolutionary grounds."

Which requires the revision of the equation from above:

Men = Pigs who cannot help themselves

And the corollary: 

Women who continue to hit men over the head for looking at boobs are anti-science. But that's just too damn bad.

Finally, Tom Whipple, a science editor for the Times of London, concluded:

Following extensive research, scientists have resolved a conundrum. Heterosexual men, they find, really like breasts. A lot. They like looking at them, like touching them — and just generally like being around them.
Tom Whipple, in the Times, 3/27/25

If I've got this straight, it took extensive research to determine that straight men like breasts?? Isn't this self-evident? Sort of like "most people do not like it when air conditioners fall on their heads," or "toast comes out of a toaster more often than flaming yak antlers dipped in Nutella." Sort of makes you wonder if this is "peer-reviewed."

I gotta get me some of that grant money.