Big Bidet Aims to Wipe Out Charmin

Welcome to another installment of the J-Man Chronicles, an unwanted occasional feature – hatched by a fruitless attempt to be clever – during which time you will:

• Learn nothing of any use whatsoever
• Wonder why you wasted 3 minutes reading it
• Be exposed to some seriously bizarre stuff
• Probably be offended

Shall we?

It's no secret that people are into some weird s###. Examples? Too many to list, but here are a few that I ran across during my lemming-like attention span: The American Gourd Society, The National Toothpick Holder Collectors’ Society, and The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. These are merely odd, existing somewhere on the continuum between avoiding sidewalk cracks and mongoose heads in the freezer. But, strange as these may sound, they are not nearly twisted enough.

That is about to change.

It began harmlessly enough; our mega-research associate Julie Kasel (speaking of twisted) sent me a strange item – hardly the first time – from the Washington Post. The article is paywalled, but the title says plenty:

Advice - Using toilet paper is grosser than you think. Here’s a better idea.

Instead of wiping with toilet paper, try using a bidet.

By Trisha Pasricha, MD (who seems to be giving out excessive personal info online, no?)

B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the Bidet

Speaking of bidets, here are a few items you don't see every day (Figure 1).

(Left) It's a niche (at best) book, as judged by the zero reviews.  I suppose it could be called "The Bidet Bible," and maybe it makes for good bathroom reading. Get this - Even Amazon doesn't sell it! It's an e-book from the Barnes & Noble site. I wonder if it is driving revenue estimates. (Center) A French Bidet circa 1750. Photo: Garystockbridge. I don't know how it works. I don't want to know how either. (Right) A modern flush toilet bidet combination raises some intriguing questions...

I don't get the photo on the right one at all. How the hell does this process logistically work?? It's fairly clear what you're supposed to do while sitting on the toilet. Then it becomes mildly disturbing, especially when you note (red box) the absence of toilet paper – something many bidet owners shun. Let's examine this more thoroughly.

Getting from Point B(M) to Point A

Here's what I don't quite get. When you're "through with the two" and ready to "juice the caboose," then what? Is one supposed to hop bare-ass naked from the toilet to the bidet with your pants down around your ankles, probably with some foul remnants perilously clinging to Mr. Buttzinger? (Pulling up your pants before the journey? Forget it.) Somehow, you make it over there, operate the NASA console panel-looking controls, clean Mr. Buttzinger, and then wait 45 (?) minutes (1) for him to dry. Let's explore this further. 

Being bidet-naive, I can not come up with a feasible strategy for getting from Point BM to Point A without potentially littering the landscape. Do bidet owners, public or private, run into a scenario such as Figure 2?

Figure 2. The Danger Zone, as designated by the yellow vector. Brown entities may or may not be Goobers or Raisinets. If some joker leaves an empty candy box near the scene, one should not automatically assume that these entities should be consumed, at least without further inspection.

More (than you want to know) about bidets

Bidets are hardly new; they are especially popular in Europe and Asia. But, Ms. Kasel informed me that bidets are actually a movement (sorry) and have a cult-like following of communities. Feel free to visit the Vanilla Community discussion forum. Or Hello Tushy "Uplevel your hole bathroom experience." Clever use of the homophone, right? Or the Italian Enthusiast (Motto: "Food, wine, and clean butts," (although probably not at the same time).

Or maybe this is possible. (Figure 1).

Figure 1. Greg and his date, Amy, who met on LoveACleanAnus.com, (you should see the profile photos!) enjoy fine dining at the Bidet Buffet Restaurant. While they may seem to be simultaneously enjoying the date; Food, wine, and clean butts, all is not what it seems. Steve's Squirt-O-Matic-5000^® apparently doesn't get his dookie shooter as clean as he thinks, making his 6-week underwear changing protocol woefully inadequate. Amy's smile hides her revulsion. On the positive side, they don't have to ask the waiter for water. Photo credits: PikPick, Wikimedia Commons

True Madness

For bidet-only idealogues, here's something you may need – if you're truly deranged. The Luxe Portable Bidet. On Amazon for $17.99. It's advertised as "nice for hotel/motel, roadside rest areas, etc."

I cannot come up with any reason that I'd ever use it, even if I'm the victim of a four-alarm anal hair fire. I cringe just thinking about the mechanics of using the thing.

Perhaps the worst idea since gargling molten iron. One exception: This makes a great April Fool's gag! Use the thing and then swap it out for the Gatorade bottle at a college football game.

Who wins?

Being that this is such a deeply personal issue it is not surprising that there is passion on both sides of the aisle. Some examples.

Pros:

Marza on Hipinion says:

"I have bought at least 5 bidets at this point. They make a great birthday gift because you can write a card that says "Happy bidet" and also invite yourself over to install it for them."

The most obvious question is: "How many anuses does Marza have?" And since he/she gives them as gifts doesn't this put undue pressure on the recipient to reciprocate? What is an appropriate gift for someone who has already given you what is perhaps the world's strangest gift? A set of color-coded catheters? Or how about an engraved do-it-yourself liver biopsy kit? 

From the same site, some lunatic who calls himself "The Preist" poses a change in societal hygiene protocol:

I'm going to invent a bidet you wear 24/7 and it just drenches your ass all day every day.

Suggestion: Do not invite The Priest over to sit on your new Chesterfield Velvet Upholstered Sofa ($3,599 at Pottery Barn).

And Burdock_eyes, a Reddit user, has some germaphobe issues. And then some.

 I like to rinse using bidet, dab dish detergent on [toilet paper], rinse again, and then dry with [toilet paper]. It's the only sure way to get my bottom cleaned.

Paging Dr. Freud. And Mr Clean.

But not everyone is a fan of the wet fanny.

Periphery72271, another Reddit user, speaks of his disinterest in a language that vaguely resembles English He isn't a likely purchaser:

It doesn't occur to me that having water sprayed on my anus is a thing I'd be interested in. The only reason I need that area that clean is if someone is going to be up in there, and in my life that is not something that happens.

Finally, 0oBEARo0, also from Reddit, had me dying with this one:

I prefer to use 3 seashells.

This seems like as good a place to stop as any, even though I can neither unsee the seashell image nor even imagine how this might work. Better than three sea urchins, I guess.

NOTE:

(1) Some bidets come with a dryer. I'll let you imagine how that might feel and what happens if "off-target" hot air ends up...elsewhere.