The J-Man Chronicles: The Death of a Man With 3 Penises

Where to start here? The possibilities are endless. There is some real (and strange) medicine in this article as well as a treasure trove of chances to allow me to express my dominant juvenile humor allele. Let's start there. Here are some of the "creative" interpretations. 

1.Online dating

Let’s dive into online dating. Having long endured its tortures, which I wrote about in 2021 (See What's Worse, COVID or Online Dating?'), it's worth exploring the unique impact of possessing three penises on one’s profile, which in this rare case will not be a lie. 

For example, men regularly lie about their height. As if some dude whose profile claims he's 5'10" shows up at a bar and is really 5'4" and expects the woman not to notice. Suppose she does. What to say? "I'm having a short day today. Tomorrow I'll be taller." 

And it's not just men who lie. Oh. no. Women have their own methods and they can be downright malevolent. Ask any guy who has been trapped in online dating hell. They will all say the same thing: "I met a woman at a bar and did not recognize her. Not only did she look nothing like her photo, but she also looked like she ate the woman in the photo."

Let's extend this a bit.

"Imagine the profile of a guy with three ding-dongs trying to minimize his situation while staying safely within the boundaries of acceptable dating lies." (1)

I'm a 54 (this means 68) year-old successful professional (this means airport baggage handler) with brown hair (he's bald), a nice smile (this means 15 teeth or fewer), and only two penises. Looking for my perfect match and life partner. 

(The following just came to mind. Many years ago I met a woman who described her worst date was with a guy who showed up in a wheelchair. As gently as possible she asked whether he should have mentioned this. At which point he became furious and stormed (wheeled) out. I'm not making this up).

Let's look on the positive side! There is a rare condition called uterine didelphys where women have two uteri, each with its own cervix, and often two vaginas. Might such a person be a good match for Francis? Probably not.  As I recall from fourth-grade math – the highest level I successfully completed – three doesn't go into two. 

2. Public urination

Aside from dating, there are other potential downsides to having three penises. Consider the following scenario in a public men's room.

Francis (middle), a victim of Triphala, mistakenly uses a urinal in a public restroom, populated by the wrong clientele, something he will soon find out the hard way from Spike (Hell's Angels) and Bonecrusher (bouncer with thyroid issues), neither of whom is known for having a sparkling sense of humor. Photo by AI. On the right is the artist's rendering of Francis, 10 minutes later, after his molecular structure has rearranged.

3. Involuntary servitude in the sideshow industry

As our rights are being steadily eroded it is not impossible to imagine a scenario where Francis (and others with notable characteristics) might be coopted against their will and forced to display their particular talents in a traveling freak show. It might look like this.

Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

RFK Jr. (2), the quintessential candidate for any freak show, traveling or otherwise, questions "3 Weiners Francis" about his condition and comes up with his typical rigorously science-back evidence 

Real Medicine. I swear.

Even though I'm more than capable of devising an idiotic-sounding story like this I cannot take credit. A 2024 case study published in the Journal of Medical Case Reports has a rather intriguing title:

Triphallia, a rare congenital anomaly describing the presence of three distinct penile shafts, has been reported only once in the literature. This case report, based on an extensive literature review, describes the serendipitous discovery during cadaveric dissection of the second reported human case of triphallia, distinctly morphologically different from the previous case.

Buchanan, et. al., Journal of Medical Case Reports, volume 18, Article number: 490 (2024)

Wow. You can't blame Triphallia on COVID-19 vaccines, chemtrails, aspartame, or 5G, as tempting as that may be. Given that roughly 10-15 million autopsies are performed globally every year It would have been screamingly obvious had such a condition been observed. Hundreds of millions of autopsies in the last decade alone and this is only the second case of Triphallia that has been observed.

How does something like this "work?" According to the authors, the 78-year-old man with Triphallia probably wasn't aware he was so afflicted, although he would have been predisposed to UTIs, erectile dysfunction, and fertility problems, things worked relatively "normally."

[T]wo small supernumerary [a medical term meaning extra] penises stacked in a sagittal orientation posteroinferiorly [aligned vertically, positioned one above the other to the primary penis]. Each penile shaft displayed its own corpora cavernosa [erectile tissue responsible for erections] and glans penis. The primary penis and largest and most superficial of the supernumerary penises shared a single urethra, which coursed through the secondary penis prior to its passage through the primary penis."

There is a photo. You do not want to see it.

Why did the man die? It is not specified except that it had nothing to do with his rare condition. One can assume that the death was due to natural causes. 

Significance of this discovery

Close to zero, although authors claim:

There are currently no all-encompassing or clinically useful classification systems for supernumerary penises.

I don't know about you but I'm perfectly content living the rest of my single-penis life without an "all-encompassing or clinically useful classification system." Much like RFK, Triphallia is (thankfully) rare, and the theme of "dicks" seems appropriate. 

NOTES:

(1) There are no boundaries. 

(2) I didn't make this up. although I wish I had. RFK  is sometimes referred to as "Really F##### Krazy. If the straight jacket fits...