Another 'Interview' With Andrew Kolodny

JB: Dr. Kolodny, I can't possibly express how grateful I am that you agreed to do another interview for me, ACSH, and your many pain patient fans out there. My readers and I are very curious about how your life has changed after you reportedly collected a half-million dollars by testifying against Johnson & Johnson in Oklahoma?

AK: That's incorrect. I did not earn that much. It was only $500,000.

JB: I'm fairly certain that those numbers are the same. 

AK: No way! As a psychiatrist, who flew through middle school algebra (twice), I believe that I have expertise in math. And everything else. Those numbers are not the same.

JB. Let's just agree to disagree on that one. Did you do anything special with the money?

AK: I sure did! I've long had a passion for deep-sea fishing so I used that money to buy a boat! I named it "No Pain No Gain."

JB: Very clever. How's the fishing been? 

AK: Not so good. I haven't caught anything.

JB: Are you using the right fishing pole?

AK: I need a fishing pole? 

JB: Well, that's up to you, but these items are very popular with fishermen. Aside from pole-less fishing, how else do you spend your day?

AK: As you know, bocce has always been my calling. Sadly I have to give it up. Those balls are just too heavy and I hurt my arm.

JB: I'm terribly sorry. Did you find an activity to replace bocce that is easier on your arm?

AK: Yes. Bowling.

JB: A fine choice. Speaking of pain, since, largely due to your efforts, it's now very difficult for people in pain to obtain relief, especially if they are unable to take drugs like Advil.

AK: Never heard of it.

JB: No problem. It's a widely used drug similar to aspirin.

AK: Or that either. 

JB: Don't worry. Aside from Ken Jennings, no one knows everything. So tell us what do you do when, for example, your bocce/bowling arm starts aching?

AK: I've had some success using Preparation H off-labia.

JB: Uh, I believe the term is "off label." 

AK: What the hell do you know? I'm an expert! I slept through took a farmakology course in 1902. Twice. In any case, I find it to be an effective pain medication. The only drawback is that it tastes horrible.

JB: I see. It's possible that you may not be using it properly.

AK: How so?

JB: Take that up with your doctor. Getting back to pain for a moment, how do you feel about the efforts of pain patient advocacy groups to overturn the 2016 CDC guidelines that you and your PROP buddies worked so hard to implement?

AK: Did you know that CDC is spelled the same backward and forward? I just noticed that the other day! That's called a parallelogram! Whooo Hooo!

JB: I believe the term is "palindrome." Anyhow, we need to wrap this up. One last question; Many people are now concluding that the efforts to reign in the prescribing of prescription opioids have backfired, and have not only hurt pain patients but also have led to more overdose deaths. How do you respond?

AK: They're doodie heads.

JB: Hard to argue with that. Once again Dr. Kolodny, thank you so much for your time. I'm sure you're eager to get back to non-fishing and bowling. 

AK: Are you sure about the pole?

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY!