'Swimming in the Seine': A Parody Dedicated to Paris Olympians

For more than a century swimming in the Paris's Seine River has been a big no-no because it's essentially a 500-mile running toilet. But a swimming event, that involves 854 Olympic athletes, began today. God help them. 

Despite an ambitious (hopeless?) plan to clean up the river the bacteria levels were still high enough that the event was postponed when on Monday levels were found to be about 3-9 times times higher than the levels permitted by the World Triathlon–the sport's governing body. Although the levels showed signs of dropping on Monday Paris is experiencing heavy rain, which carries all kinds of nasties into the river. If those levels go down I'll drink that water.

Speaking of which, check out this idiot. Em, a TikTok influencer, decided it was a good idea to drink from the river, which she called “fresh water." What happened to her? Hard to say.

Em: Before and after?

Anyhow, I wrote a little parody in celebration of Em and the 854 unfortunate souls who, in search of glory are more likely to end up with gory.

(Sung to the tune of Singing in the Rain)

I’m swimming in the Seine

I’m swimming in the Seine

What a glorious feeling,

Abdominal pain

I’m going off to France

And gonna take a chance

For fame, acclaim and fortune

I’ll prob’ly s## my pants

I’m going for the gold

But had an episode

Of violent diarrhea

My bowels are uncontrolled

A turd just floated by

It’s full of E. coli

Tomorrow, I’m looking forward to

Hurling at Versailles

(Reprise)

I’m swimming in the Seine

I’m swimming in the Seine

What a glorious feeling,

I’ll never...never

…eat again