Despite what all the LSD-addled fools at Mother Jones and SourceWatch always say, the American Council is so far from the cushy “industry front group” that they love to refer (reefer?) to that it borders on sheer hilarity.
The Mother Jones Annual Board of Directors Meeting
The reality of our situation is a bit different. This can best be illustrated graphically, so I present my best guess at what the acid heads think my office looks like, and something that is disturbingly accurate.
But, guess what??? We scored! Monsanto, you know them — the cause of every evil on the planet — recently decided to DOUBLE last year’s $0.00 contribution to us, and we are mighty pleased. This beneficent act has enabled us to commission our own research, and we have chosen wisely.
How so? Well, as our motto goes, "we debunk junk," and the more we thought about it, the more obvious it became. If you want junk science, where better to look than Scientology? (The Environmental Working Group came in a close second.) What's the deal with these guys? How do you go from sliding across the living room floor in your underwear to biting off chicken heads, or whatever they do?
Maybe we just got lucky, but we hit pay dirt.
What did we find? L. Ron Hubbard’s Scientology movement was not what he intended, but, it was only after we discovered the original manuscript that this became clear.
It turns out that L. Ron had two problems. One was spelling. The other was a prostate the size of a deviled egg.
His book was supposed to be entitled “Diuretics” — a wistful chronicle of his inability to void in less than five minutes.
Perhaps ironically, the original copy was found by our crack(ed) investigative team in the men's room of the Vince Lombardi Service Area (aka "The Vince") — one of many fine attractions that span one of nature's magnificent creations — the New Jersey Turnpike. Atop a urinal.
If you haven't been to The Vince, it is every bit as lovely as it sounds. And, is kept spotless, as demonstrated by the custodial checklist below:
So, while we have discovered that an entire movement was based on some poor guy's inability to pee, our work is not complete. It remains unknown how this rather egregious typo got past the editors, especially well before the era of autocorrect.
We hope to secure funding that will allow us to continue this project. But, as lean as we are, even we have to eat. We just can't afford to go to Whole Foods, where the Mother Jones stoners hang out.
So, c'mon Monsanto. Pony up again.
Happy April Fool's.
Josh Bloom
Director of Chemical and Pharmaceutical Science
Dr. Josh Bloom, the Director of Chemical and Pharmaceutical Science, comes from the world of drug discovery, where he did research for more than 20 years. He holds a Ph.D. in chemistry.
